


We Might Die From Medication But We Sure Killed All the Pain

by fallingintoplace



Series: Darkness Finds You [3]
Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Cutting, Death, Depression, Overdose, Self-Harm, Suicide, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-02-21
Updated: 2017-02-21
Packaged: 2018-09-26 00:08:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9853022
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fallingintoplace/pseuds/fallingintoplace
Summary: Frank wants to die.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hey my friends. This is a PSA: trigger warning! This contains self harm and suicide, so please stay safe. I love you guys, so thanks for reading!

Frank was so dizzy. His whole body was numb and he could barely move, curled up as he was, lying on his side in the corner of his bathroom, face pressed against the tile floor. The coolness was grounding, keeping him holding on to his body. He struggled to sit up, and then stood up. Frank leaned against the sink and stared at himself in the mirror. He didn’t look human: his skin was vampire pale and he had dark bruised circles beneath his eyes, which were yellowed and bloodshot. God, he was disgusting.

He fumbled in the drawer under the sink and pulled out his best friend, his most loyal lover. It was a little blade from a pencil sharpener that he kept stored in the back of the drawer, wrapped in tissues. His fingers were shaking as he tried to unwrap it, then just gave up and ripped the tissue apart. He wasn’t careful and the corner nicked his finger. He hissed and then looked at his fingertip as a small drop of blood appeared. It was so satisfying. 

He sat back down and pushed up his sleeve before changing his mind and taking off his shirt, pressing the blade to his stomach. He had learned to not  ~~cut~~ _self-harm_ on his wrists. It was too easily seen. Cut was such a dirty word; he remembered being in Spanish class and learning the verb _cortarse,_ to cut oneself. Charades to learn the word better was a kid pretending to slice his wrist open, vertically up his forearm, not perpendicular. Frank resisted pointing out that that wasn’t how it was done, perpendicular for self harm and parallel for dying, tracing your vein with the sharp edge, watching the blood spill out and-No. He didn’t want think like that. He _couldn’t_ think like that, he had to stay safe, he had to stay. If not for him, for his parents, then for Gerard. He didn’t want to hurt him. Fuck he was so weak. Frank bit his lip, pressing the blade a little harder, just enough to feel it but not so hard to break the skin. He wasn’t sure he really wanted to do this. It had been so long, so so long. It had been too long, so he made a quick, shallow swipe, afraid and exhilarated. 

_It felt so good_. 

He did it again, deeper this time, and was mesmerized by the blood beading up. Once more, and the blood came quicker, and it was dripping a little. It wasn’t enough. He needed more. Oh god. What had he done? He _knew_ he was weak, he was worthless, he was pointless. He needed to die, but Gerard. _Gerard._ He would be so disappointed in him. Frank patted the floor until he found his phone and sent a quick text to Gerard. **Hey can i call u??**

He dialed Gee’s phone number and Gerard picked up on the first ring.

“Hey, Frank. What’s up?” Gerard’s voice was calm but Frank could hear the worry underneath. He shouldn’t have called, it wasn’t fair to Gerard.

“Gerard, I’m so scared,” Frank whispered. _Weak._ He pressed the blade again, quick and deep then pain then blood.

“What’s wrong, Frank?”

“I can’t stop, tell me to stop, why am I not stopping?” Frank rambled.

“Frank, what’s going on?” Gerard sounded a little panicked. Frank didn’t want to worry him more.

“I-I don’t want to tell you.” He was so goddamn fucking _weak_. He was embarrassing, disgusting.

“Frank, I can’t help you unless you tell me what’s wrong.”

“Why isn’t it hurting enough? It needs to hurt; I deserve the pain. Oh god, why can’t I die?” The cuts weren’t enough, not deep enough, not bloody enough, not painful enough. He needed _more_. He made a few more cuts, deep then deeper.

“Frank, are you _hurting_ yourself?” Gerard sounded so worried, but it was fake.

“Yeah,” Frank whimpered. “I’m so sorry, Gerard. I couldn’t help it, I needed to. Gerard, I’m such a fuck-up, I don’t deserve to live.”

“Frank! Stop thinking like that! Everyone deserves to live, and that includes you.” Gerard’s voice softened. “And, Frank, I don’t think you’re a fuck-up. I think you’re perfect the way you are.” He was lying.

“Why are you lying to me? You’re lying, everyone lies, why do they tell me things that aren’t true? I _know_ I’m bad, no good, so fucking terrible.” He was sobbing. He gasped. His hand had slipped and it went a little too deep.

“Please, Frank. I’m not lying to you, I love you. Stop hurting yourself. It’s not worth it.” Gerard started crying. “Frank, put down the blade.”

“I can’t! It helps, feels so good, takes the pain away.” Frank jerked himself up and opened the medicine cabinet. There wasn’t that much in there, just really painkillers and his mom’s antidepressants. He couldn’t take those, she needed them, she _would_ need them when he was gone. He grabbed the Tylenol. “I’m so sorry, Gee.”

“NO! Frank, what are you doing? Please stop. I need you.”

“Gee, I can’t take it anymore. I can’t, please let me go!” Frank was nauseated, his heart was beating fast, rattling in his chest.

“I’m not going to do that. I love you more than you could ever know and you _will_ stay, I’m not going to let you kill yourself.” Lies.

“Why do you love me? I’m not worth it.”

“Frank, to me you’re the brightest star in the sky, outshining all the others. You are the best thing that’s ever happened to me. You are the first thing I think when I wake up and the last I think before I go to bed. I love you so much it sometimes hurts. I love you so much.” Lies. All lies, goddamn motherfucking lies.

“I don’t deserve it. I’m so weak, worthless, no good, stop, depress-“

“But you aren’t weak,” Gerard interrupted. “You’re the strongest person I know.”

“I am weak. What reason do I have to be sad? Nothing bad has happened to me, I’m just weak!” Frank was disgusting. He didn’t even deserve to die, didn’t deserve mercy, release, didn’t deserve to _not have to feel anymore_. 

“You don’t need a reason to be depressed! It can happen to anyone. Frank, you’re so strong, you’re able to handle these thoughts for god knows how long, alone, but not I’m here to help you. We’ll get through this together, okay, Frank?” No. No way was Frank dragging him into this.

“I shouldn’t have called you, I should’ve known you’d get involved. I just wanted to say goodbye.”

“You’re not going anywhere, Frank. I’m going to call the hospital, okay? Stay on the phone, I’m going to grab the landline.”

“No, please don’t, Gee!” 

“I got to, Frank, I love you too much to let you kill yourself.” Frank could hear him talking to the 911 operator, saying that he was about to try to kill himself. He wasn’t going to try, he was going to kill himself. 

“No, Gee, please don’t, I’m not worth it, I’m going to die, I need to.” Frank was rambling, trying to get Gerard to stop. He had to do it _now_ , before it was too late, before Gerard got someone to stop him. He didn’t want to have to try to get better, he didn’t want to have to fight back to feeling human again. It was so hard last time, the last cycle of inpatient, partial, outpatient then inpatient again, finally stopping after two months of residential. He wasn’t going through that again. He was strong enough, so he twisted open the cap to the pill bottle, and poured a few into his mouth, following it with a mouthful of water. He swallowed, then did it again. His throat felt clogged and stiff, the pills hurting a little as they went down. “Goodbye, Gee,” he whispered.

“No, Frank, no! Please don’t leave me, the ambulance is on its way, you’re going to be fine, I love you!” Gerard was almost screaming, his voice hoarse.

“I’m so sorry, Gee, it’s too late.”

“What did you do?”

“I took a bunch of pills, a full bottle of Tylenol. I’m so tired, Gee.” And he was. He felt foggy and his chest felt strange, like his heart was trying to beat but couldn’t, too fast and too slow at the same time.

“Stay awake, please try, for me? What am I supposed to do without you?”

“You’l find someone new. Someone better than me.” His voice was fading and it took more effort to speak.

“I don’t want someone else, I want you! I love you.” Gerard sounded desperate.

“I love you, too, I’m so sorry.” Frank hung up the phone, he didn’t Gerard to be there as he died, he didn’t want to die with Gerard’s voice in his ear, making him feel guilty for doing the one thing that would help. He was feeling nauseated, cramped and dizzy. He closed his eyes. It was going to be over soon. He had never realized that overdosing is actually really painful, that the trope of falling peacefully asleep wasn’t that true, that it _fucking_ _hurt_ but it was worth it. A little pain now was worth not having to feel pain ever again. His only regret was that he was hurting Gerard. He should’ve done this a long time ago, to save everyone the trouble of knowing him, caring about him because he was going to die, and that would hurt him. He remembers seeing something about when you kill yourself, you kill everyone else, too. 

It was worth it.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for taking the time to read this.  
> If you ever ever ever feel suicidal, call one of these numbers.  
> National Suicide hotline: 1-800-273-8255  
> Teen Call/Text hotline: (310) 855-4673  
> LGBT Hotline: 1-866-488-7386  
> Again, please stay safe and you can always leave a comment on one of my stories and I can talk to you. I'm not a professional, but I understand.


End file.
